P.S I Love You

It's been a while but this blog was never intended for regular updates...well perhaps it was but nevermind. Now I just write whenever the moment strikes. It has just done so when I've finally started revising: typical. However I feel like writing and I feel that is important, for me at least.


This is titled 'P.S I Love You', for my cousin Chantelle, who sadly passed away a year ago. It was her favourite film. She is the main inspiration to the feelings behind this post and since it was a year on saturday I feel like writing a few words about her as well.


When Chantelle passed away, in fact when she got the cancer, I really stopped caring about uni the way I used to. When I first went I was determined to get a 1st and had spent so many years focused on achieving some big career. I lost this drive when I realised, truly realised, how inconsequential work is compared to family and friends, the people who really matter. Finding a job I love is hugely important to me as I have mentioned before but, do I really want to reach the end of a career and think, well I've just wasted years of my life, and for what? It makes me so sad that we all have to work so much in our lives to the point where we're too busy to see old friends or even family, or end up having to live far away. It is a very cruel aspect of life really, if the point of it is to be happy and the very people who make us so don't have the room they should in our busy schedules.


Yes I am terrified about how my life will turn out job wise, but it's so silly. Life is so very short, and all I should really care about is making sure I get to spend as much time as possible with the ones I love, thankfully I have a few of them. I am also lucky enough to have met the love of my life and in that respect at least, I am sure of my future.


"The greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return"


"Don't worry. Know that worrying is about as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum"


A couple of inspirational quotes there...I love quotes...I find they can turn my whole day around or make me want to burst with emotion. The wonder of words eh.


The second quote is from the video 'Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)'
I recommend it if you haven't seen it. It really inspires me, and I try to watch it as often as I can. I showed it to my Mum once and she said it wasn't her thing because she prefers religion. That's fine, but to me, nothing is more comforting than knowing people feel exactly like I do, and humanity is such an amazing thing to consider. I could ramble on forever here but instead I will save humanity for another blog post as I want to talk about Chantelle.


Just a few words really. She was amazing. She was quite simply FUN! Always up for a laugh, always smiling and dancing, and always said exactly what she thought. No bullshit. She was exactly what a person should be and knew exactly what life was about. I will always love her, and though I don't believe in life after death, I like to think that in some way she is still dancing...somehow...somewhere.


xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Relationships

First of all I should apologise for my poor attention to this blog but as previously stated, procrastination is a great talent of mine.

So onto the rambling: I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Not of the romantic kind, just relationships in general. Family relationships in particular if I’m honest. I strongly believe that family should avoid not talking to each other because it often leads to regret. However, things aren’t always that simple. Relationships are complicated and the way forward isn’t always clear. I am currently struggling with a decision in relation to this. Is it worth holding a grudge? I’m leaning towards no. Forgiveness may not always be possible, nor is it easy to forget. Moving on, on the other hand, can be accomplished with the right mindset. A family member said at Christmas, “Life is as complicated as you make it.” These words have stuck with me and I aspire to live by them. My choices will determine my life and which are the right ones can only be determined by me. This leads me to another thought process which occurred last night when a close friend of mine mentioned the words ‘identity crisis’. I have had one before, and in fact am going through one right now, but I’ll get through it. I must get through it. Because I realised that if you don’t get that right, what hope do you have? An old teacher of mine once said that “The only you can be sure truly exists in your reality is yourself”-so if you can’t be at peace with yourself, how can you get through life? No matter what happens, you will have yourself. I will have myself. That is a comforting thought. Oh I am very rambly (I’m going to pretend that’s a word) today. Another thought process has just struck, one that visits me regularly, about death. I am terrified of death, probably because as I just said, if I have nothing else, at least I have myself. So the idea of not existing terrifies me, especially as I don’t believe in life after death. I try not to think about all that too much though. Deeply upsetting, and really, not worth worrying about. I must try to enjoy life while I can. That’s what I tell myself, though it’s easy to forget…

Anyway going back to relationships, I just wanted to express a thought for all my friends, past and present. I’ve been thinking about them tonight. Whether they are still my friends or not, it is worth mentioning that at some point, they have all meant the world to me (even if they don't now) and in some way they have made me who I am today. The old ones who are still my friends, will continue to be I am sure, for they are truly the great ones. Others who are fairly new may not stay in my life, but they will stay with me. Just as old ones who I have lost contact with for no particular reason will. I may even come back to you at some point, for nostalgic reasons, because I cannot forget how much you once meant to me, and so will always mean to me. I'm not sure any of that made sense. Rambling over.

Politics

I have called this blog post 'Politics' as you can clearly see, which I feel fairly encompasses the topics I am going to focus on. They are as follows: the current state of our economy, how much I hate David Cameron, admiration for someone I know and how unfair life is generally.

Someone I know has been working her whole life. For about 16 of them she worked for the council on a wage that can only be described as crap, whilst being a single parent. After watching her struggle for all this time, she was made redundant last year. Fantastic. Thank you so much Mr Cameron. Now, I would perhaps be less angry at this if she had not been given such a small amount of redundancy pay. I would even have remained calm for longer had she recently not ended up with a job that doesn't make her happy, with even less pay and a much smaller job role. Her only incentive to work is for the sake of work, because let's face it, she'd be getting about the same, probably more money if she was on benefits. She doesn't want to be on them though. Few people do.

This country is a mess! It makes me SO angry! The Government do not have a clue what they're doing. WE ARE NOT STATISITCS YOU MORONS! WE ARE PEOPLE!

It's no wonder I'm so terrified about my future. I have watched people for years in jobs they hate and for what? Nothing ! No reward! Just slap after slap after slap in the face! It drives me insane! I suppose I should be thinking that any job I end up with is a godsend because it's a job after all, but why should I settle? Why should anyone? There is so much complaint that young people don't have aspirations anymore, but they don't have the opportunity! Some people are content just the way they are and that's fine. That doesn't mean though, that everyone can be like that and the fact that people don't believe they even have the chance to achieve their dreams is what's so wrong. Anyone, no matter who they are or where they come from should be able to live their dream. Of course they have to work for it, but they also need to know that it is possible. It sounds so American I know...but it's what I believe.

It's times like these when I think Politics would be something I'd like to do. My boyfriend thinks I should go into it, but I'm not convinced. For one thing, I happen to be one of the worst public speakers in the world. In all seriousness though, I have these moments like now where I get riled up and feel really passionate about making a change...and then the moment passes. I strongly believe in everything I have said, and that change is needed. I'm just not so sure I'm going to be the one to do it...

A taste of what's to come...

Sometimes I get so lost in my own head and have so many thoughts and feelings going on that I feel I may explode. That is when I write, as I am doing now. I have nothing in particular to say. Nothing monumental and certainly nothing that I don't think about on a daily basis. Yet I feel the need to express these thoughts anyway, even if only for my sanity. It's a New Year and it has started terribly. I continue to waste away hours on Facebook or watching films and T.V, though I had vowed to myself that I would sort myself out this year and actually be productive for once. I have loads of work to do, but I keep putting it off. If nothing else, I am great at procrastinating. A wonderful word by the way, though it doesn't sound like the right word for it's meaning if that makes any sense at all. My thoughts are spilling out here as they would into a diary, but I suppose that's what a blog basically is. Though rather less secret...or not in my case (I can't imagine this will be flooded with readers). As I was saying, lots of work to do, lots of decision making too. I seem to be burying my head in the sand a lot these days. Trying not to think about my future whilst all the time feeling unable to escape it. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I know, I know, I can here you all now: "You have plenty of time to decide." Well that doesn't make me feel any better. Especially since actually, I don't have that much time because in 18 months I will have finishsed uni (hopefully!) and then I'll need to get a job, or do an MA-both of which are very important decisions that I don't want to get wrong. I already feel like I've picked the wrong BA. You must understand that for me, not having a direction is a living nightmare. I always have to have a plan, and be in control, otherwise I just don't work. You must also understand how frightfully aware I am that my writing style here is atrocious-switching between various persons-and as an ex-English student I am deeply ashamed. Speaking of English, why couldn't I have enjoyed that more?! I hate to boast but honestly, I was really good at it! It was always my top subject and it came easy to me. Yet I didn't love it the way I long to love a subject, the way I thought I loved History, and Journalism, and everything else I become fixated on and then lose interest in. I like these subjects, yes, but they're not something I'd devote my entire life to, something that I live for, dream about, would do anything to be a part of. Films are the only thing that I feel that passionate about. When I watch The Lord of the Rings, I don't just enjoy it, I feel like I'm breathing it, living it and I don't mean the story itself, though that is outstanding. It's more the power that the film itself has, the feeling it gives me like I want to explode. It's the same with all great films; Titanic is another one. The way it is put together just blows my mind and every time I watch it-aside from crying on cue-I think: "Oh how I wish I could make a film like this!" Equally, I want to write a book! My head is constantly this. This incessant rambling and whirlwind of emotions and passion for something...but for what? I'd love to write a film, write a novel, write a T.V show, be an actress, the list goes on! I don't know what I want to do, and how I would go about doing any of these anyway. I am so petrified of ending up in a job I don't enjoy and making the wrong choices and it's so frustrating. I must sound so incoherent but this is how my mind is constantly and clearly, I sometimes need to write some of these thoughts down. I wish I had a pensieve (from Harry Potter for non-fans) so I could store some memories in there, clear my head a little. I often wonder how I have room for all this rambling. It's no wonder I forget things all the time. Speaking of which, by writing this I have once again excelled in procrastination, and my work continues to go unfinished. What a great start to the year. I do drive myself mad sometimes. Let it be noted by the way, that despite everything I have written, I am actually a happy person who appeciates what I do have in life, and am thankful for a new year after the last one. I just can't help longing for some direction and clarity...fingers crossed it will turn up soon...

P.S In writing this I have FINALLY created my new blog, as I felt a serious one was needed. Not a completely useless start to the New Year then. Permission to shout hurrah in a loud and boisterous manner? (Oops! I have managed to include a Blackadder reference...so much for this serious business!)